Delving into a Vacationed Mind

Well, I am on vacation... in LA. My cousin Ryan is getting married tomorrow and I think I would have been jealous if I hadn't realized that marriage is nowhere near my near future. Just a few months ago it was and it's kind of hard reflecting on that. Just two months ago I was engaged and four months before that had a date that was previously set delayed. The more I think about it now, I think a wedding is really just a big expensive party to show yourself off as the new person a marriage creates.

I'm not condemning marriage as an idea or as a prospect, but I am condemning it to a later part of my life. I never thought myself to be a selfish person, but after my reigns were freed, I've realized I don't want to be tied down to a man.. or woman, ha ha. I want to be free to be me. The idea of marriage to me is simply this:
A man and woman love each other so much they don't want the other to be lost to them so they make things serious. They share everything; feelings, chores, ideas, dreams, goals and the like. They appreciate each other for who they are and don't pray they'll change. They accept the bad with the good and try not to only dwell on the bad. Once the bad is over, they erase it. Then, they realize they really do love each other so much their IN love with each other and decide that, for sake of sharing everything, they should get married. Throw a big party for friends and family who encourage this behavior and tie themselves to each other not only in word but on legal documents.

My Ex and I shared some of that, but definitely not all. From Jan. on... I only ever felt like a disappointment; a burden. I felt as if I had restrictions to who I was. I understand that I had doted completely on him the first several months and that was who he fell in love with, not the real me but rather the idea of me. He loved the Lindsey that was always there, waiting to make him happy and having no other goal. The Lindsey who played video games and worked on cars so he could brag to his buddies about his cute little tomboy cook who only had eyes for him.
In some ways, that was true. I did like making him happy... but soon it seemed to get harder and harder to do. I have always been somewhat a slacker when it comes to chores, but it's hard to please a 'neat-freak' when you were an 'organized chaos' kind of person. I liked cooing and baking for him, but he had a strict diet I did NOT want to follow, so I cooked less and less. We watched a lot of the same TV shows (that is I watched his shows) and movies to 'bond' but that was about it. I played less and less video games cause I worked a lot and tried to always sit next to him at everything instead of do my own thing to make him happy, but it wasn't enough.

He, on the other had, saw it that I didn't want to do anything for him or with him besides TV anymore. I was having stomach problems, therefore not feeling too intimate, and he seemed to think less of me for it. If I thought about him or his son before anyone else, he was proud. If I thought about my family or friends... it was a different story. I still don't have his full side of the story for he only wrote rebuttals, never an actual debate/speech.

He says he lost a lot through our break up, but I did too. I lost some of my hopes and dreams, but I did gain a new understanding to who I plan to be and who I really am. I am me, first off and hands down. Then I am Lindsey, the oldest daughter of 5 children. Then I am Lindsey, the friend who makes mistakes but retains her better friends. Lastly I am Lindsey, the girl who used to be used and abused.

Never again.